I've received, since no one who emailed me distressed at the thought
of hurting my feelings is someone who actually hurt my feelings. I am
so grateful for the support I have. I am sorry to have made people
worry about what they said, how they may have phrased something in a
conversation with me about me trying for a third. My last post was
vague, and I'd like to clarify a bit.
Me sharing my decision to try* to grow my family invites others to
imagine themselves in that position. For most folks, that causes some
chuckling, disbelief, and bemused comments. My posse of mom friends
and close bosom friends** are in that category. This has been ok - it
IS a lot to take on and I know they will rejoice at the new baby
should we get lucky. Even my mom thought it was nuts, and, um, I am
one of three kids.
The people who have hurt my feelings have not seemed to be imagining
themselves with 3 kids, they have seemed genuinely upset that I would
do 'that' to my existing kids, my relationship (wtf?), the earth***,
myself, my career, etc. What they perceive 'that' to be is beyond me;
I am far from the first person to have a 3rd kid, and many folks
actually like a bigger family. Someone that I hang out with fit all
the following comments into a 7 minute conversation we had; I had
mentioned, when she encouraged me to get a tiny sedan, that we were
getting the Mazda 5 because it will hold a 3rd car seat if need be.
"Oh my god, that is so irresponsible. Your older kids will never get
enough of your time. I can't believe you're serious about that - in
this day and age it is stupid to put that kind of burden on yourself
and your family. And it wouldn't even be an accident because you're
Those of you who have emailed me an apology because you may have
teased me or asked if I'm sure about this? Really, don't worry.
I don't want anyone to shy away from me about this. Most of the not
talking about it is because even in the best of cases getting pregnant
is fraught with failure. A 10 percent chance of success is not that
great. Blogging about it is easy - I get to control the flow of
information. There's nothing quite so awful as having to tell someone
about a miscarriage when they ask how the baby making is going. In
this sense, I'm an idiot for telling anyone we're trying at all. It is
my curse, and some may argue my blessing, that I am pretty open and
invite folks into my life. If I really wanted full privacy, I'd say
nothing (although my head would explode after a day or two).
*our history of infertility is hard to shake. In pro creation, nothing
is a sure thing, ever.
**if you thought that 'bosom friends' are some weird lesbian thing,
culture up! Read the Anne of Green Gables series.
***I have two child less-by-choice friends who have assured me I am
not over populating the earth. They have given me their baby rights,
so my baby footprint will not be a burden. You know, like emissions
trading to cap pollutants. (Hah ha - get it - emissions trading?).
this means that any other kid I may have has some pretty serious
built-in fairy godmothers.