Thursday, August 20, 2009

Still Alive

Funny, not much to blog about these days but miscarriage, so I've been a bit mum. Damnable cells started doubling over the weekend, so this morning I took a couple of shots of methotrexate in my tusch. I have a new found empathy for people who have to undergo a cancer-treating course of chemo, as this stuff is foul. It hurts and stings as it goes in. I have dizziness, nausea, a horrible systemic taste in my mouth, I'm shaky and just off. I am surprised they let folks drive after shots of it, as I was not secure about my ability to not pass out for a while.

Monito is bereft without nursing. He is so angry at me for saying no - he wants comfort and hugs but when that is all I give him he hits and scratches me. Pequita is better off, able to verbalize that she can wait for Mama to come home but that she's sad. I'm crying through the worst of their tantrums as *I* am so sad about it all.

Things I am JOYOUS about and GRATEFUL for:

- Monito is finally sleeping through his regular waking around 10:30ish - he now wanders into my bedroom around 4 am dragging his crocodile, taps me on the shoulder and calls out "Mommy! Its you!". (He confuses his pronouns; he means 'its me')

- Pequita is feeling her oats. She is defying me at every turn, saying NO just to be contrary, and individuating much of the time. While this stresses my last nerve and challenges my parenting skills, it is amazing to watch and I can see all the nurturing we've done paying off in a confident girl.

- we are going to NYC this weekend and staying in a really nice hotel and seeing friends and family. It should be lovely.

- I have effortlessly and plentifully nursed every single day, several times a day, for over two years. All but the first couple weeks of that time I've been tandem nursing two babies. Even if I never nurse again, I've had an unbelievable run. So much of my dream of parenting revolved around nursing, and I was able to experience al that. I will always be grateful for the boobs of wonder.

- I've still got $45k of infertility insurance coverage and can keep trying to have another kid if we want to. What a gift.


Becca said...

Oh what a bittersweet post. I am so sorry the last round ended so badly... and about the nursing. My supply dried up unexpectedly around month ten with Wesley and that was it. It was so sad during his recent illness because all he wanted to do was nurse and would even nurse on a dry boob just for the comfort.

I love what you said about Pequita's independence. What a wonderful way to view their "challenging" moments! I will try to internalize that today.

Good luck with whatever course you decide to take next and I hope you feel better soon.

'grandma said...

Oh I'm so sad that you have to go through this treatment. What mother wants her beloved daughter to endure such things. I just hope this is the end of it and that you have better luck next time. You have given both your children a very great gift to nurse them so long. I am proud of you.
Your family is so wonderful and I'll enjoy any further babes to love on!

Deborah said...

I'm sorry you're going through this hell.