Friday, March 7, 2008

How to Amuse Babies in a Hotel

With three days to kill in a hotel in a strange town, there are some key activities to keep in your arsenal. I have listed a few choice ones here.

Help Unpack, then Play Hide-And-Seek.
First, slide one half of the mirrored closet door open and move all the clothes Mommy just unpacked into the dresser drawers into the bottom of the closet. Then, after housekeeping leaves the room door open for a few moments accidentally, slide the other side of the closet door open and hide quietly until your mommy finishes running up and down the hallway yelling your name trying to find you - then jump out and giggle. Pat her gently while she pants with relief.

Crayon Wall Art
Take this opportunity to discover the beautiful effects that a pink crayon can make on textured wallpaper. Don't limit yourself to just the one wall - other walls may be different, so try them all.

Find the Cheerio In the Sea of Carpet.
Trust me. From a distance, this is harder than it looks.

Play a Counting Game
Mommy will certainly want to know how many wipes she has left so as not to run out at an inopportune time. Make sure the package is almost impossible to reload through its tiny hole, it is the only pack Mommy packed, and that it is a brand not sold anywhere near the hotel.

Teach Your Bubba to Stand
Keep laughing and lure him over to the hearth, then push his diapered butt up so he can stand. Keep doing this each time he gets distracted or falls down. Don't laugh when Bubba gets his first real war wound & bloody nose from his efforts. Wave hello to concerned hotel staff who flock to the lounge at the persistant and loud screams that Bubba offers. (Hi, Jorge and Manuel!)

Play in the Elevators.

They are all different, so check out each one and each floor. Some have mirrors!

Play Find The Orange Bead Bracelet All Over the Hotel.
Mommy will hide it in each lounge open to the public, including the gym, and you find it over and over again.

Have a Snack.
The first company to make a foul-tasting bitter but still non-toxic crayon will make a fast million.

Sing a Song.
Sing an ode to Mommy's ever-so-upstate-clearly-not-cityfolk Birkenstocks. This is endlessly amusing.

Go Bowling.
Fondle the bowling balls. Make sure to insist Mommy lets you keep poking her teeth because they glow blue in the black light. Pretend not to notice the other patrons laughing at her.

Enjoy the Arcade
Insist that Mommy pay fifty cents for you to ride the Incredible Hulk toddler ride, then freak out and refuse to finish the gentle swaying back and forth while a crazy green man pretends to eat your brains from behind you. Make sure you are dressed to the nines in leopard print. A low-class venue is no excuse to go slumming with your fashion choices.

Ride the out-of-order steeplechase horse instead to calm down. Phew.

Note that complete and utter overstimulation and horrifying volumes results in comatose infants. Toddlers? Not so much.

Take a Nap.
While you wait for Mama to return, have a little rest. Sleep is optional, but some rejuvination is in order.

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