List Friday #1

Top 5 Postpartum Changes

5. Sleeplessness. That insomnia that has plagued you for your whole life (except for coming in handy for a few years during college) is now a handy tool that you can use to manage your busy hands-on parenting life on only 3 hours of sleep a night.

4. Broken thermostat. You are cold a lot of the time due to vitamin and hormonal fluctuations. Except when your milk is coming in; then you have 300 degree mounds of flesh stuck to your chest. Like a nice big hot flash. Once it is colder I'm sure I'll look forward to this.

3. Soft heart. Really - you cannot hear or read about child abuse or neglect cases without tearing up and wanting to adopt every needy child. This really gets in the way of reading the newspaper. Luckily CNN is still an option, as they just keep updating the Britney story and even though she lost custody of her kids, I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about them.

2. Hair loss. Your hair falls out, thinning over your whole head in an alarming fashion. All of a sudden. Allegedly, it grows back in. I'll let you know if my hormonal tonsure fills in. Thank god it is hat season.

1. Postpartum aphasia. At 38 and 42 years old, I think that since we waited so long to be parents that we'll never get our minds right, shifting right from this fatigue & over stimulation mindfuck into pre-menopause memory loss. At least we have lots of bibs for when we become drooling idiots.

10-20-2007 Edited to add:

#6. Preternatural hearing. You will develop the ability to hear a soft silicone pacifier drop two inches from the baby's mouth to the mattress from 50 paces away. I am still waiting to develop the skills to ignore the ensuing cries of protest.