SAHM

About a week ago, Penguin Momma asked in the comments, "How is it being a SAHM?" (Stay At Home Mom.)

I have been ruminating on this. It is mixed. It is also busy, and I would have answered the question days ago if I had enough time. (I post so many pictures because it is quick, and I am proud of the babes. I have many thoughts about other things that I don't have time to coherently write down these days, but look forward to posting.)

I have always wanted to have children and stay home to raise my kids when they are little. I want to be the person who shapes their young lives, installs trust and love into everything they do, and give them a secure start. I feel strongly that I can do more for them staying home with them than I could by putting them in a daycare facility. Not everyone feels this way - Homestead Mama doesn't feel suited to staying home entertaining babies. She misses them terribly when she is at work, but feels more of a whole person when she is working. When she is at work, she can forget about the kids and focus on her day. When I'm at work, my mind regularly is drawn back to the kids, and I am conflicted about my job - I like working, I get a lot of satisfaction from it, really groove on the intellectual stimulation and love to work with my colleagues. I work at a university in a high powered, high pressure environment doing executive support for faculty. Amongst the drudgery that makes up part of everyone's job, I have interesting, meaty tasks and projects to work on for which I get recognition and that I really enjoy, like publishing an 80-page report annually, and being the image and historical archivist for a thriving department, among other things. Before we had kids, I regularly worked late, took work home, and invested a huge amount of myself in the job because it was the best way to do it, and I liked getting things done properly. Since Homestead Mama has been pregnant, and particularly since Pequita was born, I found myself sitting at my desk pining to be elsewhere, leaving work early to fetch Pequita from daycare, getting to work late because it was hard to leave the baby in the morning, and generally feeling very torn between the two lives I have. When I'm working, I feel as though I am stealing time for my baby. When I am at home with the kids, I feel that I have to steal time from the kids for my work (be it helping my fill-in manage my paid job, or the artistic work I truly love, the fiber design & creation, stained glass, woodworking and writing.) Given that situation, I am much happier focusing on the kids and stealing time for work now and again. I know that work will still be there in a month, one year, five years from now. The kids will all too soon be pulling away and asserting their independence.

I have been spending a lot of time arduously weighing the pros and cons of staying home, quitting a good job that pays very well in order to be home with the babies. It can get boring in my living room with people who cannot talk yet - it is work to keep it interesting, and to keep myself engaged in the process. I have actively sought to build and maintain a group of mothers with whom to meet regularly with our kids to get some companionship & mental stimulation. In the group we have a woman who used to do mediation for unions, a German television journalist, lawyers, faculty, artists, a farmer, etc. It is never boring. We meet up periodically for evening pot luck meals with the husbands/partners in tow, and that is great as well. My wonderful town has well-appointed parks and walking paths for kids, and a science center/museum for children, as well as many activities for young families. It is a great place to raise a family, and I'm intending to try to take advantage of as much as possible.

I think I'll be happy and fulfilled at home. If I end up hating it, I'll go back to work. But I would always regret not trying this out.