Overload

Boy, it has been an intense week. Both kids are really pushing
boundaries, testing authority (mine) and developing in leaps and
bounds. There is a lot of screaming that is inconsolable; mostly this
starts when Pequita is foiled in some way, or - god help me - I HELP
her when she wants to do something by herself. Once she is wailing
with tears streaming, snot bubbling, body stiff and uncuddleable, then
Monito decides that he is also stressed and joins in the festivities,
matching his sister in volume and vigor. If Monito starts the cycle,
then his sister chimes in after a while. Ack.

To their credit, they *mostly* save the really good tantrums for the
house. I like to think that they feel safe there and can relax into
the morass of feelings that must be swirling through their brains in
times of meltdown. I do give them space to feel all their rage and
frustration, to make a lot of noise and express themselves in whatever
way they need to, but have also created a time line so that this
doesn't keep going. We have a house rule now that they are allowed
to carry on for a little while in the general population, but if they
can't pull it together pretty quickly AND refuse any help/ comfort,
then they have to go upstairs and finish their fit in their room. This
generally is pretty unpopular and brings on a hastened end to the
episode. Monito hasn't ever been escorted upstairs, but Pequita has
had a few trips to solitary. Usually she is sniffling and calling to
me from the top stair within 3 minutes. I want to point out that the
refusal to accept any comfort is the key to being sent upstairs- I
feel awful and punitive sending them away from me and I hate to do it,
but when they are really over the top they are typically biting and
hitting too, and I can't let them do that to me and their sibling. I
guess this is the part of parenting that is hard now but pays off?
The part that parents of kids who end up on "Super Nanny" can't bring
themselves to do and end up creating little tyrants and monsters? It
makes me feel like a bad parent, wrong, lonely, punitive and just
generally unpleasant all around. It is the thing that makes me doubt
myself more than anything.

EXCEPT for the spanking. Whoops! Did I just say that? Yup, I've gone
there. Monito is the only recipient of this little 'correction'
technique of which I am so ashamed. A couple times for running right
into moving traffic, scaring the bejebus out of me and the oncoming
driver and then laughing. I know he isn't laughing because he thinks
its funny; he probably doesn't know what to think or do. And I imagine
the level of excitement I am exhibiting is overwhelming to him. BUT it
can't happen. Pequita is not a darter-into-traffic, or the
what-else-can-I-stick-into-the-electrical-outlet kid, Monito is. Last
night I spanked him because he climbed on the table and knocked over
the $400 stained glass lamp* that he knows is off limits. I heard it,
walked into the living room and asked what had happened, and both kids
pointed to Monito; I lost it. In my limited defense, I've been a solo
parent for much of the last 5 days with no break or help. Homestead
Mama's grandma had a stroke last week and H-Mama has spent three of
the last five days hours away spending time with Lillian as she slips
away, either staying away overnight or not returning until after we
are all asleep. This is as it should be, but I've been a little thinly
stretched at times. After the lamp incident, later in bed while
snuggling and reading books, I talked about it with the kids and
apologized for getting so angry and losing control, but I still wish I
could have a do-over. I was up at 6:30 this morning and got to see my
beloved as she was leaving for work, and she pointed out, gently, that
since he owned up to the naughty act it may have been better to talk
it out and not punish the honesty. Duh. That didn't even occur to me
at the time.

My parents are arriving tomorrow for the long weekend, and I'll get a
respite. I've also arranged for a friend to start babysitting once or
twice a week starting tomorrow morning at 8am so I can clean a bit
before my parents arrive. We'll see how it goes.

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