reality check.

typing one-handed, as always these days, from underneath a nursing baby.  leftie (typing, that is, nursing is actually rightie just now) which is harder but i'm improving...

 

my sister sees & hears the darkest bits of my life, and commented that the blog is a tiny bit pollyanna-esque after i called her a couple days ago in a vertiginous swirl of hormones.  thankfully, she made me laugh, commiserated and normalized the experience.  then i was emailing an update of my life to hottie friend who has been very kind despite my all but dropping off the face of the earth after Monito's birth, and decided to grab some of the text of my note to her to update the larger blog group.  (sorry, hottie friend, that this is such a redundant post for you.)

 

(by the way - for any new readers who learned about the blog from my fathers excited emails around the birth, welcome.  if it is t.m.i. or not your cup of tea, and you never felt the need to know this much about me, by all means, sign off and wait for the milder holiday newsletter. no harm, no foul.  if you like it, leave a comment and let me know.  it is always nice to know who's out there.)

 

lately i have been having the hormones more than i like, which puts the fear of god into me - it is such a dark and lonely place to have temp depression AND be responsible for a baby.  since i have a history of depression, it is always worrisome to imagine falling back into that hole.  i think that although i'll be tired, i will actually fell a little better mentally once my mom leaves as i'll have a sense of accomplishment if i can keep both kids alive by myself.  IF i have a car to keep active.  no word yet on a new engine.  since i still am not allowed to pick up pequita for another 3 weeks, i remain grateful as hell to my mom.  our lives would be much the worse without her right now.

 

i have pretty good days, but the nights are awful.  homestead mama has to work on tuesdays and i spend my nights (especially mon nights) trying to keep a squirmy 2.5 week old satisfied and happy and QUIET so he won't wake up pequita or h-mama.  my boobs leak all over me all night long if monito sleeps well, but if he is restless, like last night, i live in fear that i'll run lout of milk and he'll cry.  monito is a spitter-upper, which is gross & smelly.  we do laundry every day.  he has been congested since pequita's daycare cold hit him upon his return from the hospital, and particularly at night he frequently has trouble  breathing, which means he can't latch on to nurse.  i have to steam his head, freq at 3 am, and spray saline up his nostrils, then try to suck the snot out of his nose - all these activities choke and anger him.  all make him cry.  i feel like a beast and regularly cry through the procedures. 

allow me to comment momentarily on the positive side.  i now know my sons name instead of working through the list of pet names, cousins names and assorted nouns before arriving at the correct name for him, the one we selected months ago; i also now usually remember that he's a boy.  he gazes right into my eyes and will hold the look for long minutes.  he already enjoys watching mobiles and likes his pacifiers, 2 things that took pequita weeks to achieve.  he is really lovely.  he grunts and furrows his brow whenever he poops, which is hysterical.  i have learned to go to the bathroom with him dangling off my arm (b/c he is so long already) and can keep him nursing for the duration.  my boobs are awesome in the literal sense of the word.  they are huge and have excellent production.  i can't stop groping myself.  when i brush up against the nip.ples when they are full, they spray like a sprinkler.   and pequita is glorious, and now eats cheerios by herself.  we went on a playdate yesterday with an 11 month old and they seemed to enjoy watching each other play; homestead mama and i certainly enjoyed getting to know a new friend.

 

more later.  mom and i are going to - gasp - leave the house.  the sun is shining and the park beckons.