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I'm wondering if it is possible that I do too much, expect too much of myself, put too much pressure on myself. (I can hear the resounding Yes! even through the internet.) Since I have WAY too much to do, it feels like I am never doing enough.

I had breakfast with Auntie Kiko this morning and while doing nothing in particular my back started twinging. She gently forced me to take care of myself right then on the spot - thanks, Kiko. She led us over to her chiropractor who fit me right in, and she played with the kids while I was treated. I am not a huge fan of chiropractic treatment, but I am so much less a fan of back spasms while caring for two toddlers. I WILL go back at least a few more times and see if it helps.

I haven't identified my usual focus points this birthday, and since it was a decade birthday (yay, 40) it is all the more important that I do this. Focus points are my version of resolutions. Every year I pay attention to where I need personal growth, and figure out how to get it done. Call it hokey, but it works for me. I think that finding a way to make time for myself daily and getting myself to where I need to be physically will be it this year. Meditation practice and fitness building are it. I spend a lot of time frazzled by the kids in general, and trying to have a third (!?!?!) won't alleviate that very much. I do not come by a quiet mind naturally, but I've found that my addictive personality latches itself just as willingly onto meditation as it does the less constructive behaviors.

And if I don't get healthy an fit now, then when? The sooner I lose the extra 40 lbs I carry around the better. I was playing with the kids and wanted to show them some fancy moves on the jungle gym, and, uh, not so easy to dangle and frolic with FORTY extra lbs pulling on me. I am really strong now, I can carry 70+ lbs of wiggly toddler up the stairs but how much nicer to have an easier time of it.

I am not carving out enough time for myself in general, but specifically I need to whip my core strength back/abs into shape. There is a 6am hot bikram yoga class that I fantasize about going to, but so far haven't made the leap of faith/ time/ brevity/ effort to start going. I usually get back into shape on my own in private before publicly exercising. Taking my out-of-shape butt to a class which would be, for at least a month, very very difficult would be out of character.

And so, today I open myself to it. All of it. I'll let you know how it goes.